Now for some really bad jokes (not mine)

Police found the body of an Ice-cream man

His head was covered in chopped nuts and 100’s an 1000’s

Police recon he topped Himself

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What did the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: How are a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs,
all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end
you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with

everybody at the party except you.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.>>>

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?

A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?

A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is

bedtime?

A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?

A: Erection day.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your
meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over
to his wife and started fondling her vagina. He did this only for a very short while then he would stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy! Don't you want to have sex?" The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked," Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"
 
 

********************************************************************************

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one’s black."

********************************************************************************

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love.

"P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

********************************************************************************

A pregnant woman with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the    Mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

********************************************************************************

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about
their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.
"So we  obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St
Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman.  "Exactly the
same thing happened with my son Pancake."

********************************************************************************

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters.

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really
shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a   cock."

********************************************************************************

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into
a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees   that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"  "Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."

********************************************************************************

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna
plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

********************************************************************************

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret
for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a grams of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?' "Twenty-six”